Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize