Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
