Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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