Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
