i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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