It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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