Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
