i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
