you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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