Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
