So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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