My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
