My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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