I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
