I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
