Betty ford says i'm here all night
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
