I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
