OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
