so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
