I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
