He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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