I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize