I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
