Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
