if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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