Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
