listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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