Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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