the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
