Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
