When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
