your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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