i already hear my dad disowning me
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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