I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
