Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
