There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
