My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
