Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
