Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You've changed since you got that strap on
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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