Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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