I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
