I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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