She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize