I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
