I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
COCAINE IS GR8
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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