there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
