oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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