Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
