I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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