went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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