All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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