The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
