Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
