Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
