i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
