You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
