i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize