i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
