She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
