hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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